Musings- Passing the buck?

Caution- This would be one of those hard to understand posts, again :-(

Eh recap recap we're gonna do it again;
again and again, nothin' gonna change;

Rain rain, rain down the pain;
I will stand up to it;
stand up to the pain;

Embers of the flame;
tears of the shame;
crying, well, that ain't lame;

coz it helps to deal with the pain

Part of what shaped me into who I am today, silly as it may seem, stems from lessons I got, from Japanime.

The first anime that gave me a sense of direction, the unmistakable lesson of reasons to be, raison detre even, if you will

was Samurai-X.

Kenshin Himura, he was my hero of sorts.



He thought me about standing up for those who didn't have a voice,
to be true to myself, (oh how hackneyed can this be? LOL), to fight for what I believe is right... and that "truth" is what you perceive as real, though there may many versions of it depending who you are talking to ... where justice means very different things depending on where you stand.

Because of sanosuke Sagara, I punched the wall, hoping to train my knuckles into fists of steel. Futae no Kiwami- well, turns out there is Wolf's Law.. which states that bone hardens and toughens from stresses placed on it.

conversely, disuse weakens the bone, much as what is experienced by astronauts in zero gravity.

Either way, I punched my way thru year 2001 to 2010.. and indeed I have pretty tough fists.. if I may say so hohoho.. Few times, I punched till my hands bled. Just recently, I bled my knucles again, despite wearing protective bandage... and it was only a Sandbag... well me keeping at it for half an hour contributed much I guess!

Now I have a sense of deja vu with Naruto with the "pain" Arc...
The anime was so so from the start... dipped down very badly during filler arcs before shippuden.. and now things are really really picking up.

I think, these few days, watching selected episodes of the anime....
I figure that Jiraiya is my favourite character...




I don't know... maybe its him passing on his hopes and dreams onto his disciples.

Maybe its because:

Much as I try to better myself, in terms of spreading the conservation message...
I just seem to be knocking into many brickwalls.

From 2001, when I first brushed shoulders with environmentalism through the river terrapin conservation programme in Dungun, Terengganu with Prof Chan...

(prof chan is the one in the middle)

During which I ran into problems with a Canadian volunteer over the washing of plates. I spoiled her "system" by pouring away dirty dishwater which I thought she was gonna pour into the river... and that tensed up things in the camp...

Then came Anthony, the youngest kid on the block... I tried to take him "under my wing" in a way by showing off Pioneering techniques from my Scout years... But somehow I built a wall around myself during that time. He went on to become the Bayer's Environmental Envoy for 2008, and had a stint inGermany.. whereas I grovelled here still.. LOL

Maybe through both these incidents, Prof chan has a weird aura around her when Im around.. It lingers when I met her in 2008... this time for a turtle conservation programme with SEATRU in Pulau Redang... there is this wall, I don't know... that separates me from her... It just feels awkward... It really rears up during the environmental carnival when I asked a favour from her... things in fact.. turned cold.

Another event would be with Mister Choo Chee Kuang, a seahorse conservation expert, hailing from UMT (or KUSTEM as it was once known), along with Prof Chan...

I had two experiences with him- once in 2005 and another in 2007, If I'm not mistaken...

In 2007, I saw my picture that was taken in 2005 glued to the wall along with other volunteer's photos at the research house in Gelang Patah... I was wearing a blue shirt with the words: "Environmental Philosophy" in that picture, Lol... but It was baggy and prompted a fellow volunteer... I think it was Ching Foong's GF- to comment...

"WAH! these two years must be a lot of Stress for you hor, to lose so much weight?" -.-'''

haha putting a very "yeng" photo of him here!

That aside.. during this trip out into the sea, during a transect/ quadrate sampling, I wasn't able to release one of the seahorses that was still within an untied plastic bag on a transect pole before the tide came in... and We didn't know the fate of that poor little seahorse. I have no idea till now, how I committed the blunder- cum- murder... but things stiffened thereafter, this time with Mr Choo...

My environmental Carnival was plagued with different kind of problems... many problems..

Job delegation problems, team member issues

The Dean wanting to convert the English themed carnival into a fully Malay language themed event at the very end. ( I have no issue with the language, but that was the at the very last moment when all my publicity was in English, in the website, in the magazine, in new strait times)... He let me have my way.... but in a show of defiance, the Dean protested by giving his opening speech in BM .. The crux of the matter? "we're called Universiti KEBANGSAAN Malaysia" so all things should be in Malay...

my lapse to place recycling bins during the event,

my error for not informing stalls to not use polystyrene and plastic bags...

My inexperience, overestimation of my abilities to shoulder everything- which stems from my inability to delegate work well- resulted in a less than stellar Environmental Carnival... of which I'm still sulking over....

Well, Despite honing my skills at public speaking, reading up on team-work as well as leadership, I'm afraid I failed terribly, nonetheless...

then there's also this weird guy Bernard... (oh man, it takes some guts for a weirdo to call another weird.)...arggghh... most of the relationships I built in the name of conservation are brittle, high strung ones... including the most recent, withDr Chan Kah Yein... i wonder why....

So, Back to what lead me into this post...
These events, coupled with failed lectures onto my fellow friends regarding environmentalism, failed recycling projects in my KTDI hostel... made me sorta wanna give up on this cause..

Not give up 100%, but give up putting too much effort into it for the fear of disappointment and failure...

I feel that, maybe I'm destined to pass my spirit and my cause onto my children..

to expose to them the wonder that is nature from very young and cultivate in them a sense of enjoying the simple pleasures in life... to instil in them the passion of an environmentalist, and for them to carry on the cause of conservation for me.

Damn, That's from a 23 year old guy talking like he is 60.

but I can't help but feel Jaded, and taxed from pushing for greener change.

I.... have I lost the fight?

Maybe I should take more heed from naruto's never say die spirit instead of Thinking of passing the baton on..from Jiraiya who didn't have a choice.

Sigh.

The Rant/ Rap at the start is paying homage to one of Narutonime's theme song- "Make some noise"