1-08-2006

Hmmm...It's been confirmed
the 20 thou is one time only. I guess It comes to this , although I try to put the matter on the backburner wheneverI my thoughts come across it.
Do I really want it badly enough that I am willing to sacrifice what I have now? Would I pursue it even if I only manage to get a loan? Am I ready for whatever comes once I go overseas? Will the job prospect be a problem ?
(researched..yet $35000/year seems ....I dunno...I guess I need to find out aobut the cost of living, their taxation system and stuff...)
Even when I'm here, in UKM...things aren't all that rosy...
I know what being in the medical profession entails...I know the long journey that I have to take...I know that backbreaking tasks will b waiting for me once I graduate...I know job prospects aren't that good if I don't take my MRCP....I know this road may be harder than the other in conservation........still It's a hard choice.
I don't want to leave M'sia too... because somehow...being here...I can keep an eye on my parents, my grandparents...which makes me feel responsible as a child... I know I can't contribute much to their well-being....but I want to be there if something happens...I don't know....
And I know my parents, my mother especially...feels extremely happy I'm taking up medicine...though I know her reasons aren't that right...but I know she means well...and as a son...there are some responsibilities...simple ones...like making your parents feel happy....and I know I easily achieve that just by being here..
but then I want to live a life of my own...go my own way...go off the beaten track...make new history......
sigh....things aren't easy.....
and I know...my dear dear wants me to stay in Malaysia....and I want to be with her too....but I want to pursue my dreams too.... I want to contribute while I am young...to explore, to trudge through everything before I am tied down by a family.......am I selfish?
One thing....
when I was here initially...I tried to make myself unhappy...glum...to convince myself that I am not meant to be here...you know...like : ;why make friends? I'm gonna leave anyway; ;why be so active in koku --I'm gonna leave why read or study so much--I'm gonna ;What for waste money on books--I'm
I guess...somehow that's wrong....I know think that...I should make the best of everything.... and even when I do leave...I would at least have made my presence felt....don't you think so?
is this the right thing to do? after some thought... I decide that...I will make