It is ever so often that we are forced to review our perspective of life...
and I had just had a refresher course.
Talking to my grandma last night (she's going to Australia for the Chinese new year so there won't be the sort of faithful reunion we used to have, this yea) then suddenly we were on the topic of our relatives and their disposition...
then came to the part bout my grandma's (mother's side) past... when great-grand dad owed someone a favour and my grandma was supposed to be the trade in. And it wasn't a big favour, just that the guy transported stuff and then my grandma was offered to become his wife (I think),
and my grandma obstinately said no and ran around, eventually hiding in the kitchen after being chased by a log-wielding great-grand dad.
No, It's not about the way girls were treated nor is it bout the patriachal family system we used to practice nor is it bout the tough times our forefathers had coming to Malaysia.. I don't think I know enough to comment on that
It's more about the choices we have.
Reading contemporary literature I was brought up thinking bout my reason for existing, the things I am meant to do in this life, that in this life we should always head towards our dreams only then can our lives be fulfilling, and meaningful.
Now that I can't pursue my dreams in the fashion I tot possible being in medicine now,
I often wonder what else can I do to bring myself in the direction of my dreams... and recently I was really blue and down partially because I felt like a loser. Why? because I'm so easily swept off course, It's almost like I've given up, relegating everything to fate , and not working hard towards my ambition any longer. I'm always mumbling being a conservationist and stuff... but so far what have I done to contribute to my cause? I accomplished quite a lot(in my own view) in 2006, being involved in 3 conservation projects, being an active and empathic viewer of current conservation issues and felt the energy to do and accomplish things but since june last year uptill now I've done nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I feel like trash.
For those of you who knew I was moody and was given a reason for my moodiness I apologise for dragging you in , I didn't know what was wrong with me but I just felt blue.. and I now have an inkling of the reason...
Back to the topic,
But then... on talking to my grandma, I suddenly feel selfish.
You see, in the past they hardly had any choice in anything, even their own lives and here I am know crying foul that I have been coerced into a course not of my own choosing and lamenting this and that.... Pretty big contrast isn't it?
Even today, some people simply hope to make a meagre living and nothing more, some simply hope to live whereas I am still sulking given the comfortable surroundings I am in now with nothing to worry about other than my studies.
Having heard that...do you think I am selfish? Because I still think I am not.
I've been quite a jerk lately to some friends and I apologise ...in particular ruX2.
But I have been very sentimental for some reason unknown to me and feel blue easily... and I believe it's due to my inaction in working towards what I want... still, I am not so sure but I will try to control my moods.... thanks for being there frens